The Musician's Wife

Permission

I spent such a long time trying to be someone else.  I wanted to be an actual replica of a person who I admired (and, admittedly, idolized as the correct version of mother/wife/friend) and had been told was someone I should emulate.

I am realizing now, over the last two years of healing from the scars of having my metaphorical skin stripped away in place of what others thought was better, that I am enough.

Well, I'm not really enough, but I have been given the power to apply the things I have learned, and will continue to learn, as I see fit for me and my family.

This is true freedom for me.

I have no desire at this moment (my youngest is leaning on me, waiting to read a book together) to write a list of things...things I want to do, things I have done, things I need to do.  There are just so many things, and so little of them really, truly matter. 

Don't get me wrong, I love lists (name that movie!) it's just that I tend to feel so accomplished once things are out of my brain and onto paper and then nothing much happens after that.  Lists full of things that are not attainable right now in my current season of life just serve to make me feel discontented and terrible about who I am in this moment. 

And right now, in this moment, I am under the weather, tired and not looking forward to having to leave the comfort of my nest to venture down the street to work. 

I'll share the one New Years resolution that I've actually taken to heart (besides my promise to get the color finished on my new tattoo before my anniversary in March!) and made my own.

I resolve to give myself permission to be in the moment.  Because when you get right down to it, today, right now, this moment is all any of us get.

 

Sunday Afternoon

 

 

My son is suspiciously abscent from these photos...he's been in his room all afternoon building things with legos and reading Calvin and Hobbes in quiet escape from his sisters. :)

Today was all about NO electronics, as I've been sick since Thursday and Brad's been at a conference and the kids have watched a lot of Netflix while I recovered. 

Everyone continued work on the ginormous train track they started last night, until Loren got a little uppity with the girls and put himself in time out in his room. 

Of course there was a lot of art going on, and a shopping trip to the store across the street. I still haven't been brave enough to try walking there with all the kids...I generally don't know what exactly I need until I get there.  A one bag trip could easily turn into an 'impossible to carry home' conundrum I don't realize has happened until I wheel the cart out the the parking lot and remember my van is a 1/4 mile away in my driveway. 

The salmon and potatoes are super easy and a family favorite.  Just coat with olive oil or, if you're out like I was today, butter on the salmon and canola oil on the potatoes, which were yukon golds.  I put the salmon on parchment paper, generously sprinkled with French Garden Salad Dressing Mix & Rub and put it in a cold oven which I then turn to 400 degrees.  Salmon on the bottom, potatoes in the middle for 25 minutes, then I swap them until I feel like they're done.  The fish is always done first, of course, but covered with a little foil it keeps very well for the few minutes it takes for the potatoes to catch up.  Simple & easy (if badly photographed).

Why didn't I remember I needed olive oil while at the store?  The same reason I'd forget I walked there.  My brain and I are rather in-the-moment forgetful.

I spent some time on the computer at my freshly cleaned desk while the kiddos played. 

It's been a lovely Sunday afternoon, indeed.

(Kitchen wetbag made by Pepperjack Home, more on this (and a giveaway!) Tuesday.)

Birthdays

July is the month in our house where the birthday roller coaster crests its first tall hill and begins the crazy wild ride that is non-stop until after Thanksgiving.  So far my youngest has turned four, my oldest has hit double digits at ten, my brother has hit the down hill slide toward forty (36) and I have turned thirty...something.  My father is next, then my husband, my middle child, my mother and my mother in law.  I know I'm missing someone.  It's what I do.  One day I'll have an iPhone that will sync with my iCalendar and keep me iStraight. 

In the interest of not re-inventing the wheel, here are some links I like for simplifying the birthday party process and one of my favorite links for gift buying that gives back.

http://simplemom.net/simple-birthday-ideas/

http://simplemom.net/how-to-have-a-simple-inexpensive-and-meaningful-birthday-party-for-your-child/

http://www.giftsthatgive.com/

To be honest, sometimes simplification means letting someone else do the cooking (and candle lighting) for you!

 

 

Oh, how I've missed you!

This has been the longest hiatus I've ever taken from blogging.  

It has been wonderful.  I knew that the moment I started thinking "This would make a great post!" that it would be time to come back.

Well, here I am.  And I can't really remember what I thought was such a great thing to share with you all.  

It could be that our lives are being saturated with change at the moment.  

First of all, we're moving after living in the same place for almost five years (you can read about why here).  That in and of itself has been nerve wracking, disappointing and exciting all at once.  If you've ever moved five people's worth of stuff, three of those people being kids who are scared and nervous and don't understand how their beds could possibly fit through the front door then you know what I mean.  We had a place but backed out because the basement walls were squishy with moisture and Brad was not comfortable with all the exposed wires and water down there.  Which was sort of a side note because the elderly landlord FORGOT he gave the place to us and had another family moved in before we could even tell him we didn't want the place anymore.  So yeah, that kind of worked out.

Second, my work situation is being altered greatly.  The lady I take care of is moving in with her daughter in a new house about 85 miles south of us.  Not exactly good as a regular commute.  I'm SO happy for her, though, this is a much better set-up and she'll never be alone at night.  I recently gained a really unique opportunity working with an award winning author, which I am extremely stoked about.  It all came about essentially through a rogue email and I cannot believe how blessed I am for this chance to apply work I love doing to help someone I greatly respect and get paid for it!  This work won't be the end all, though, until I can show how effective I can be and then build a client base of other authors.  So, I'm still doing my photography (another job I absolutely love doing), I will be working for Millie for a while longer and I will also be working for Starbucks part time as a barista.  

Lest you think my musician husband is just sitting on his butt playing his guitar Andy Dwyer style, he's finished a new album, is playing The Bite of Seattle next month and is still the Technical Director at our church.  

Um...we're a little bit busy.

School is out on Friday, my daughter 'graduates' kindergarten tomorrow and it still feels like early spring in Seattle, which I am NOT complaining about.  (Unlike what seems to be 90% of Seattle area people I do not miss nor wish for hot weather.)  

Let's see...what else?  Our older boxer has cancer, our younger boxer is adorable and we find out today if we got the latest house we applied for.  We just got family pictures taken with Kaylee Eylander and I can't wait to see them.  I have my own computer now (no sharing with Brad and getting in trouble for messing up his OCD desk organization) and am currently getting the people's eyebrow because said husband is slaving away packing while I'm dinking away on the interwebs.  

Alright, friends! There is your five second update and here is a promise: I will be posting regularly again starting now!

Did you miss me?

Do you like my new design by Karli Ingersoll?  I do!

 

 

White lies

We're having wild weather where I live and I just lied to my children.  

They were scared when the lightening flashed and the thunder rolled over our house.  So they asked with tremulous voices  if I liked storms and I lied and said, yes, they're quite fun when you're inside because the house keeps you safe.

So they decided to like them and not be scared.  

Maybe I'll change my mind as well.

*Please ignore the slobbery nose marks and fingerprints on my window. =)

Mother Theresa I am not

My life is a constant marathon of serving other people.  My day job is taking care of an elderly lady in her home. My mornings and evenings and often nights are spent helping care for my three children and doing my darnedest to support my husband's music career. Both Brad and I try to be available to support others as well, be it through attending shows, lending an ear, making a meal or providing a couch to crash on.  This is not some special feat, or some big mission we're on to change the world.  It's just who we are.  We love people and try to do so as practically as possible.

Sometimes my job is hard.  Sometimes loving on my kids is hard.  Sometimes being married to a musician is really hard.  Loving others outside of my inner circle...that's hard sometimes, too.  More often than not, though, it's the mundane, repetitive things that are the hardest for me.  Giving someone money when they need it?  Easy.  Living life with others, getting let down, those things are the hardest.  It's why marriage is so difficult.  Being in for the long-haul is where the rubber meets the road and I am often surprised at how little tread I've got on my tires.  I do think so highly of myself sometimes.

Love is hard and love attracts all kinds. Once you open up yourself to this idea that you're going to live in love--and I mean real love--what you've done is open a jar of honey that many will be drawn to.  What I've learned is this:  If you're going to love for real be ready to deal with flies and angry bears.

The crux of living a life in love is that you offer up yourself to be exposed to the vicious and the gentle, the bitter and the kind--sometimes in the same person.  If you hide yourself from the wolves you hide yourself from the doves. If we learn to live under the assumption that the only real collateral damage of truly loving others will be our own pride we can be much more bold in our pursuit of others beyond our own short sighted agenda.  For being truly loving is, in itself, it's own armor. 

I am no Mother Theresa.  I all too often want something in return, I want results, I want to see the fruit of my labor.  Working with Millie has helped me to see that.  Millie has dementia and I cannot make it better.  All I can do is go moment by moment and make each of those minuscule amounts of time the best they can be for her. 

This is, really, all we can hope to do for anyone. 

 

 

Time for a change

Hello all!  While it may seem to the untrained eye that I have simply become a slacker in the blogging department, I have actually been working hard on redesigning and reorganizing my website.  I'm talking to designers and doing research to try to make the most of my online presence.  One of the things involved in this is taking a good hard look at what the whole point of my blog really is.

When I think about why I'm doing this a few things come to mind. 

The first is noble: I want to help people.  I really, really want the stuff I have gone through or am going through to be a boon to others who may be going through similar things.  I'd like to share ideas or things that others might benefit from.  I also, on my new site, want to marry my blog with my photography and writing instead of having two separate (three if you count Ah! The Blog!) areas to tend to. 

The second reason is not noble as much as it is truthful:  I desire community.  That's a hard one to admit because what it really boils down to is wanting to matter.  My internal desire to have other people buy into me and my writing, care about what I have to say and even respond to it.  This has been the hardest thing for me because I don't get many comments on my posts.  I have blogger friends who get tons of comments with every post, ten, twenty or more.  I rarely get one.  When my friend Patrick asked me the other night after a show how the blog was going, I didn't know what to say.  I had been in a funk about it all week because I was asking myself what the point was.  I'm getting over a thousand page views every month but little to no interaction.  I'm such a social, extroverted person and this lack of dialogue is disheartening.  Poor Patrick had to listen to me whine about being unsure of myself but that is what it's all about--needing the approval of others.  I have the same struggle with my budding photography "career".  What's the point of taking photos if no one is looking at them?

I'm working on this, though.  It's been made very clear to me via a few random comments from friends and strangers alike that my posts and photography and other writing do matter and are noticed even if no one says so in the virutal world.  I need to remember that even if all this work just serves as a record of my life to look back on when I'm sixty-two then it is well worth the effort.  Especially with a memory as bad as mine.

A third thing is almost just as embarassing to admit: I'd like to make money via my blog.  Even if it's just the place where someone sees my photography and wants to hire me to take photos of them or write a bio for their band or an article for their website.  I'd like to try ads again, but this time for people I know and businesses I patronize myself.  I have NO idea how this works but I'm willing to figure it out.  It may seem like selling out and if it is, that's okay.  I have three kids to help take care of and if advertising on my site is selling my soul, well, if it means a little more security or being able to give generously to the people I love or causes I support the so be it.  My dream is to live a life that is simpler and more abundant in things that matter the most in this short little life I've been given.

So this is where I am at.  The Musician's Wife is a work in progress.  Both the site and the person behind it.  I really appreciate the support of all my readers, friends old and new and my family as well.  I hope you will stick with me as I navigate creating a new site that is a better representation of the people my husband, kids and I have become since starting this blog in 2009. 

 

A photographic equation

This:

 

 

Plus this:

 

 

Equals this:

 

 

And a whole lot of giggling, too.  

Why are you late?

This is a question the office lady at my kid's school asks each and every child or parent/child who comes to school late and needs a tardy slip. 

"And why are you late today?"

It totally irks me.

First of all, if's none of the school's business why we're late.  None. At. All.  I cannot think of one single solitary reason why the school or this lady would think for one moment that they have the right to ask me this question.  

Today a kid was dropped of by their parent and had to walk into the office by themselves.  The lady asked the offending question and the kid had no idea what to say.  "I don't know." was all he could come up with. 

"You don't know?"

"Um....uh....yeah."

"You do know, or you don't?"

"Um....no. I don't know."

The whole time I had to stand there and wait while this conversation prevented me from getting my kid to class.  She wasted the kid's time AND my time and for what exactly?

Second, who in the world is going to tell the truth?  I mean, yes, once in a while tardiness can be explained by something inoccuous like "I got a flat tire." or "My dog got out." but what if someone had diarrhea?  What if their husband was yelling at them or what if they couldn't afford gas for their car and so they had to walk?  It is laughable if they don't realize that 90 percent of the answers they get are lies and half truths.  I'm not going to tell some lady I don't know in front of the principal and whoever else happens to be standing around that I could NOT for the life of me find a single solitary hairbrush and refused to send my daughter to class with one giant dreadlock on the back of her head.  I'm just NOT sharing that information with these people I don't even know.

I can partly understand asking a kid who walks or bikes to school unsupervised, but still, if it's something other than "my bike broke." or "I fell in a ditch." the kid is not going to share with the front desk attenance nazi.

Also, it sure looks like my answers are being written down in that computer of hers.  Who is looking at them, and why?  Are they keeping track in case I turn out to be a neglectful parent that has to have the courts fine me for my kid being late too often?  Because I can't see how a list of false and/or vague excuses is going to be usefull in a court of law.

Know what I said this morning?  "We left the house late."  Yep.  We were late because we were late.  Apparently that answer was fine with her? 

Does your school do this?  Does anyone have a clue why?

 

In flight

I've felt myself  morphing over the last few months, sort of waking up from the fog of survival into a place with more clarity of thought. 

It has been like being in an airplane on the tarmac waiting for take-off on a cold and foggy Seattle morning.  There have been several stages, from waiting at the gate, tired and bleary eyed (because I never sleep well before travel) to boarding the plane, stowing my baggage, getting buckled in.  Then there is the waiting.  I know I'm on the right plane but I'm not sure where it's going and I can't see much out the window because it's so dreary out. 

Then there is the take off, the stage of expectation and that twinge of fear for all the what ifs.  The landscape blurs as we barrel down the blacktop and then that feeling of the reality of gavity pressing my body into the seat which reminds me every time that flying is not natural for humans.  Exhilarating, yes.  Second nature? No. Not for me, at least.

Now I feel like my flight has reached it's cruising altitude above the clouds and rain and fog.  Up here there is sunlight and I can see for miles.  Occasionally we jet through banks of view obsucring clouds, but not for as long as before.

I still don't know where I'm going but I do know I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, in this moment.

I have all these ideas about what I want to do, what I could do, where we should go, what we could be.  Now is the time to figure all that out.  It's exciting. I'm ready. With my man and my kids by my side I have the feeling we could do anything!

Now, for focus.  Narrowing the field of view.  Choosing my adventure.  Choosing our adventure. 

Of course, there are boundaries.  That's life.  We don't get to just fly wherever, willy-nilly.  We need a flight plan and the foundation for the plan is our faith and our comitment to one another.  

Now to figure out what stops we need to make along the way!

 

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