The Musician's Wife

&^%$#@ sprinklers!!

I went to bed early last night. (930pm, which is REALLY early for me.)

I got up early this morning. (345am, which is REALLY early for me.)

After getting dressed (happily realizing that a shirt which hasn't fit me since I bought it now does!) I crept downstairs, readied a snack to take to work, ate breakfast and started editing a couple photos. 

Well, I got a little carried away and realized suddenly it was time to go, NOW.

So I head out to the car and realize that the sprinklers are going.  Right near the driver side door.

I also realize that I don't have the FOB and have to unlock the door with the key. 

It's dark.

I can't see the key hole. 

My ankles get soaked.

Yay.

So I get in and realize that the van is out of gas. 

Then I realize I don't have my purse (which was left at a BBQ in Seattle over the weekend and I'm getting back later today) so I have to go back in the house and get Brad's debit card.

Yay.

So I brave the sprinklers again.  My ankles get soaked. Again. 

I get to the front door.

My set of keys is lacking one for the front door.

*&^%$#!!

So I go back to the van and my ankles get wet.

MORE wet.

And open the garage door to get into the house.

You know that light that comes on when you open your garage door?

Our garge doesn't have one.

I trip over the following:

1. Something squeeky.
2. Something round who's sole purpose in it's existance is to break my wet, wet ankles.
3. Something alive, with a tail, who I believe to be of the species feline, genus rightplacewrongtime.

 

Potential culprit.

 

Then I realize that I already borrowed his card last night and it is residing in the leg pocket of my scrub pants (which I wear for my other job).

I have no idea where I took these pants off last night.

These pants are dark blue and I'm trying to find them in the dark, so as to not wake up my hubly.

I wind up having to turn on our bedroom light in order to find them. 

They are halfway under my bed UNDER a blanket I haven't used since we moved here.

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!

I get out to the van, drive to the gas station and realize I can't remember my husband's pin number.

But only after trying my own pin number fourteen thousand times getting more and more frustrated with each attempt.

Thank goodness for the credit option.

And that I remember our old zip code.

So I gas up, drive to work and, amazingly, arrive on time.

For the rest of the story here is something you need to know the following: Opening shifts at my job always have one supervisor/manager and one barista and whoever gets there first waits in the parking lot for the second person before going in.

So if you, say, pull into the parking lot at 450am and see not only your manager but another barista, you know one of you has shown up for a shift they aren't working.

We all go in and look at the schedule.

Who shouldn't have woken up at the booty crack of dawn and driven ten minutes to a shift they weren't working?

I'll give you a hint.

She has really, really wet ankles.

 

 

REPOST: When extroverts introvert and why it's not pretty...(May 2010)

I've previously talked about the alien that inhabits my husband and I've realized lately that I have my own times of introversion, too. 

Unfortunately, when both of us get on these orbits, it can really complicate our whole trajectory and knock us waaaaay off course.

The struggles we have been slogging through in the last week or so have been twofold.  One is deciding where go from here.  There are so many things we'd like to do but are limited by our resources, time and responsibilities.  This seemingly innocuous fork in the road would not be so frustrating if not for the second emotionally big ticket in our hands...

The second struggle involves relational hurts we have had to deal with in the last year. Thankfully, these aren't the results of any real tragedy but they are poignant none the less.  Though some might argue against the validity of our feelings, which of course only serves to cheapen our experience, this is not the truth.  This chain of events has come at quite high a cost indeed.  We have come to grips with the understanding that very few people in our lives will be able to understand it.  However, it has been very hard for me to strive against defending our experience and our decisions.  Defending ourselves is pointless for many reasons, the least of which is that we have no voice to do so to any real effect and the greatest is that we are commanded by our beliefs not to.  

Both situations are best left up to the Almighty. (Yes, I'm one of those people...)

But when you put yourself in such an awkward pair of shoes, you can't walk without a hand to hold...in short, you leave everything up to the supernatural.  Supernatural forgiveness, supernatural healing of hearts, supernatural acceptance and dealing with our own shortcomings which have/had a large hand in the situations.  Supernatural peace in deciding what to do next, supernatural signs, perhaps, or supernatural happenings. 

Not to say we'll just sit on our laurels and wait for someone to knock on our front door with a list of things to do or a job offer or a record deal. 

We've just been so focused on the big decisions we have to make and while we know we need to do something next, both Brad and I have been at a loss to figure out exactly what that is.

So we both wrapped ourselves up in our own emotions and fears like mummies and retreated within.  Which resulted in a pretty crappy week.

Spending that much time inside my own head?  Not a good idea.  Apparently I'm not that fond of my own psyche.

It all came to a head a couple days ago with the first panic attack I've had in almost two years. 

Not fun...not fun at all.

Not being able to swallow...my heart feeling like it might beat right out of my chest.

Icky.

I guess my self had to do what was necessary to get away from my...self.

Right.

I think that was Tuesday.  We met with friends who are wiser than we and trustworthy as well (those words mean more now to us than ever) and I came out of my shell and talked and talked and talked.

I am an outward processor...I have to talk out my issues and problems to figure them out.

They had encouraged Brad to talk as well...at some point.

But when we got home we just went to bed.

So naturally I felt worse in the morning.

Awesome.  (can you hear the sarcasm?)

Then, something truly awesome happened.

I got a hold of myself by the late afternoon Wednesday because suddenly (supernaturally?) I had clarity as to why.  I had been convincing myself that there must be something really wrong with me, but then, I had it.

Bing!

(um...in case you didn't know, that's the sound of that little light bulb going off over my head. You need to watch more cartoons...not the new ones, the old ones where cats and mice and coyotes and roadrunners kick the snot out of each other.  Then you'll understand)

I had come out of my introverted tailspin, but heard nary a word from my mate.

No mayday.

No ten four good buddy, I'm dealing right now.

No get right back atcha when I'm ready to talk.

Nothing.

Silence. 

Gah!!!!!

But I knew all I needed to do was wait.

Because while some people take silence as passiveness...as a lack of leadership...as, well, unmanly...I knew better.  Silence that lasts too long can most definitely be those things, but because I know and trust my husband...because, while he has made mistakes like anyone in the world, he has shown himself by his actions to be worthy of my patience, kindness and long-suffering. I had kind of put him on the spot at our impromptu get together with friends and now what he really need me to do was wait just a little bit longer.

And finally, when the words came, they were articulate and lacked any of the maliciousness, wrath and aggressiveness that can come with dealing with difficult situations too quickly and therefore too harshly. 

He told me how he felt, where he was, what he needed.  He listened to my suggestions and answered my questions.

Some went unanswered with a simple 'I don't know'. 

And that's okay.  Because not knowing, and admitting it, is extremely humble. 

I like that in a guy.

So we shed our introverted emotional bandages, made some plans and laid out the possible foundation for the next chapter in our lives.

Then we did what all married couples should do when they've been apart, even just emotionally.

We did the macarena.

What did you think I was going to say?

Sickos...

So today was filled with more hope and expectation than we have had in a while.  There's big things on the horizon for us, we're sure of it.

They're just too far away to see the details, yet.

And that's okay. 

Contentment can be supernatural, too.

PhotoCredit

REPOST: "Loving Accurately" (May 2010)

I just read an awesome blog post from a friend (one Bruce Pearson of Garage Voice) that spurred me to think about judgment and love and how the two can co-exist. 

It certainly doesn't seem loving at first glance to tell someone that what they are doing has you concerned because you believe it to be wrong.  It gets even more sticky when you navigate the waters of 'what you are doing isn't wrong but how you are doing it is.'  Because then...oh ho ho...then you are questioning someone's heart and motives and right there is scaaaaary territory. 

Everyone has situations where they are faced with the question on whether or not to confront someone, be it a spouse, a friend, a family member.  These are times where someone we love begins down a path that could harm them, you, or other people and we must choose between dealing with the consequences of speaking up or keeping quiet.

Many people kind of veer to one side or the other when it comes to these situations.  There are the aggressive, kick in the crotch type of people who will just let someone have it.  Then you have passive people who don't want to step on anyone's toes and tend to avoid confrontation.  Somewhere hidden among those two are the passive-aggressive who use manipulation and mind games to try to get a result without having to really say anything directly.

I don't think that any of these choices really sit well with me.  I've tried them all in my life, and like playing that balloon dart game at the fair, the results are hit and miss.  Once in a while one of those method works, but I wind up feeling awful in the end, even if I get what I wanted out of it. 

I've found that between kicking ass, playing mind games and avoidance there lives something more...something better.

It's not for the faint of heart...because personally, I don't think it's that hard to be a jerk, it's not that hard to avert your eyes and it's not that hard to drop hints and fish for reactions.  

Wanna know what is hard?

Patience.  Waiting.  Spending time.  Watching.  Listening.

I'm not talking about being patient and waiting for the right moment to confront someone.

I'm talking about assessing two things: Your heart and theirs.

"Wait a minute?  You mean I should reflect on myself before telling someone they need to stop doing something destructive?"  

Yes.  Yes I do.

Here's the thing...we all can be self serving, pig headed, idiotic jerks sometimes.  We have our own motives, our own plans, our own agendas.  So the idea is to make sure that none of that is affecting the conversation we may have with someone.  Because if you're in it for yourself, to get what you want, you're in it for the wrong reasons.

Often, we are side beneficiaries to someone changing for the better.  That's not always a bad thing.  If your wife stops shopping so much and you benefit by getting the mortgage paid on time, great.  However, if that is the foundation for you wanting her to change, you're heart is not necessarily in the right place.  The foundation for wanting someone to change should be based on the fact that you have identified, through careful consideration, that a behavior or decision is rooted in something negative.

For example, with over spending, often people use the high of shopping to fill a void within themselves, as an over-eater would with food.  The husband's concern should stem from this understanding.  The mortgage being late is a symptom.  The cause should be the focus or his heart is not in the right place for a loving discussion.  He's judged her behavior wrong and in need of change.  Instead of aggressively requiring change of her to get the result he wants he takes time to find the cause, which he then addresses. 

He doesn't take away  her freedom or give her a list of goals to reach, he helps her to address the root of her problem and then gives her time to process.  When she's ready, he helps her create a plan to address what she agrees needs to change.  She sees what needs to change because she has been loved accurately.

If her husband had gone with what perhaps was his knee jerk reaction of either aggressiveness, passiveness or passive-aggressiveness would it have been effective?  Perhaps, but probably not, and at the very least not in a healthy way.  Would it have been loving?  He may have thought so.  Isn't it loving to care about their finances?  Isn't it loving to save their credit score?  Isn't it loving to trust his wife and just suck it up and pay the late fee if shopping makes her happy? 

It may be love in a very partial way, but it would have been love that was inaccurately administered to her in her time of need and would not have fostered healthy change.

If love truly is your aim, ask yourself if you are loving accurately, for this moment, for this person or these people, right now. 

I am constantly surprised at my answer and how often I catch myself dolling out inaccurate love because of my own simple folly.

Proverbs 15 says: A soft answer turns away wrath but harsh words stir up anger.  The tongue of the wise commends knowledge but the mouths of fools pour out folly.

Sometimes no matter what you do you will earn someone's wrath.  They may perceive that you have loved inaccurately because have no right to speak, or have no authority to speak or many other reasons.  In those moments we can only walk away and hope that at some point you may have the chance to love accurately in a way they can accept. 

In all things, let us love.